My Plan for Feeling Better

I walked into a classroom to find one of our almost 3 year old little girls, Allie, crying by her cubby. April, her teacher, was with her, asking her why she was sad. She mournfully explained that she really wanted her Mommy. April and I both talked with her. We told her we could really see that she was very sad because her Mommy wasn’t there. April asked her if her mom was coming to pick her up this afternoon. No answer, just sobs and tears. “Do you want to write a letter to Mommy and tell her how sad you were?” “No. I just want my Mommy!” More sobs and tears. Then we asked her where her Mommy was. “In her car!” was the tearful answer. “I want my Mommy!!!” April asked, “Where is your Mommy’s car?” “Outside!” “Do you think it is still outside?” “Yes!” “Shall we go see if we can find it?” Now the tears slowed down a bit. “Yes!”

Now of course April and I knew that Allie’s mom had gone to work some time before and her car was no longer parked out in front. But Allie had a plan and our efforts to help her feel better were not proving effective, so April decided to go with the child’s plan. She gathered a few of the children who were concerned about Allie’s sadness and the group went outside to find the car. Once outside they headed down the sidewalk a bit to where the car had been parked at drop-off that morning. Of course the car was not there. The tears had dried up by now and although Allie was not happy, she was no longer crying. April asked again, “Do you want to write a letter to Mommy back in the classroom?” This time the answer was yes.

So back in the classroom, in a much more peaceful mood, April and Allie wrote the letter. It said, “Dear Mommy, I want you to come back. It is making me very sad. I went to look for you. I miss you. Love, Allie. Then Allie put the letter in her cubby and went happily to play.

What I found striking about this incident was that the most effective way to help this child feel better was to support her as she made her own plan and carried it out. Our sympathetic suggestions were not helping. Once she was able to do what she thought she should do to find her mother and found her car gone, she was ready to move on to one of our suggestions, writing a letter. And then she was fine.

What she needed us to do was listen to her plan and help her implement it. It would have been easy for April to say, “You mommy went to work. Your car is not outside the school anymore.” That would have increased the tears and added anger to the sadness. Although it wasn’t the easiest solution, April got a group of children together and went in search of the car. We can’t always follow this route to solve a child’s problem. Sometimes their plans can’t work. But in this circumstance, although you would have thought that once the child discovered the car was gone the sadness might have turned into despair, that’s not what happened.

When you can, take the time to listen to your child’s plan or help a child create a plan and carry it out. You might be surprised at how effective that can be.